His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
