If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
