my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
