I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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