Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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