Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
