the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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