I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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