Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
