My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize