He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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