apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
