you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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