do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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