thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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