Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
