Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She even gives head with a lisp.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
