birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
