I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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