Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
