Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
