My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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