I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
