im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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