I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize