This is not my ceiling
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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