I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
