For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
BRING THE BAGELS
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
