Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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