8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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