i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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