Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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