i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
