Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
