i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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