He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
