Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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