The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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