Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
