just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
