I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
