im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
