i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
We talked him into tasing himself.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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