I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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