What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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