and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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