So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
