at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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