I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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