im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
