Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
50% drunk capacity currently
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize