so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
