Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
