I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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