It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
