pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
