the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
