It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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