There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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