The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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